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Stepfamilies have special needs
Successful stepfamilies can provide a stable and harmonious family
environment that benefits all family members. Furthermore, some
researchers suggest that a well functioning stepfamily is as effective
as the traditional nuclear family structure.
Stepfamilies are the fastest growing family type in Australia, yet
they experience greater rates of separation than first relationships,
resulting in both children and adults going through another major
upheaval and transition. Therefore it is imperative that support and
understanding is afforded to these families so in future society is not
dealing with the breakdown of third and fourth marriages.
Traditionally, a stepfamily was formed after the death of a
biological parent. A new wife or husband was found to replace the
parent, and they assumed the role associated with mothering or
fathering. There were not usually issues of child residency or custody,
visitation or access, or child support payments.
Today, both of a child’s own biological parents may be very much
involved in their child’s life and upbringing, despite the separation.
This can result in stepparents finding themselves in a virtual no man's
land. Their roles can be ill defined and they are not automatically a
stand-in mother or father, even though they may take on many
care-giving roles. These days the way most stepfamilies form is after
parental separation.
It is estimated that divorce and separation rates involving children
are in the vicinity of 32-50 per cent, depending on who is collecting
the statistics and if they include married, de facto or non-de facto
parents. What is known is that these relationship breakdowns do not
deter parents from entering into second or subsequent relationships,
sometimes quite quickly.
Parents typically repartner within one to three years
post-separation. In the event of both parents repartnering, the child
is now a part of TWO stepfamilies. It is important to note this is
post-separation, not post-divorce. It indicates that many new
relationships are being formed while the dissolution of the last
relationship is still being resolved in agencies such as the Family
Court or the Child Support Agency. The aim of this article is to raise
awareness of some of the difficulties that stepfamilies face.
While many separating parents make decisions collaboratively without
any outside intervention, some chose to utilise the services of the
Family Court. This leaves the Family Court judges in the unenviable
position of deciding the residency conditions of a child with two
opposing but equally good parents. The process involves each parent
trying to justify why the child should spend the majority of the time
with them.
This is typically achieved by proving they are the better parent by
pointing out all the flaws in the opposing parent. This makes
co-operative parenting very difficult, once the court decision is
finalised, as many have exposed secrets and said hurtful things about
their former partners hard to forgive.
Although the courts attempt to resolve these issues within an
appropriate time frame, it is not unusual for one case to span a number
of years. As parents begin to establish new intimate relationships,
these new partners inevitably become integrated into the system. When
this happens it is not unusual for the opposing parent to include
information about the stepparent as ammunition in pointing out the
reasons why the child should not reside with the new stepfamily.
Some stepparents refer to this as “character assassination”
displaying anger and hurt such as … "they took her word for what I was
like" … "I wanted to fight back over all the lies written about me" …
"have slandered my name and written it in dirt".
Despite being brought into the process, many felt they had no
defence in protecting themselves or answering their critics. Although
the court tries to gather as much information as possible, these
stepparents have the perception that the court excludes all but the
biological parents in custody disputes.
They acknowledge that their presence will actually exacerbate
conflict within the court, but feel justified in being there because
they are not “new” partners anymore. Most have been living with their
new partners for at least two years and have been part of their
stepchild’s life and support system for that time.
Many stepparents support their stepchildren in a variety of ways,
including financially, taking them to school, picking them up, helping
with homework, attending special school events, taking them to football
training, or dance practice and other activities.
One of the most common complaints is they feel as though they are
inherently important to both the child and the family but their status
as a “step” parent means they are not recognised as such. They believe
they should have a say in court decisions that will impact on their own
lifestyle and relationship: especially when decisions place an
additional burden on themselves, their stepfamily and their own
biological children.
Stepparents who have their own biological children (many to their
new partner) have the perception that their own children are
not considered. They feel that these children are hidden in the process
as the decisions made are in the “best interests” of the child(ren) of
the first relationship, currently being litigated.
While this may appear logical, these stepparents believe that it was
equally logical to make sure that no other children would be
disadvantaged by decisions made about the children from the first
relationship.
Stepparents believe this creates a feeling of “us” and “them”. This
has negative consequences for stepfamily unity as it is divisive in
nature and can produce feelings of rejection, jealousy and exclusion,
thereby damaging the spousal relationship and the stepparent-stepchild
relationship.
Stepfamilies thrive on the success of integration and wholeness, not
one parent and children versus another parent and children. Many report
trying to find a balance so that all family members’ needs are meet
psychologically, physically and financially. Financial obligations to
children also prove one of the most distressing areas for stepfamilies.
Issues and conflicts with the Child Support Agency feature prominently.
Whereas the Family Court supports a child’s a right to a
relationship with both parents, the Child Support Agency promotes
parents having a financial obligation to a child post-separation. Much
debate has surrounded the effect of deadbeat dads eluding child support
or single mothers taking advantage of the system.
Both arguments have their supporters and detractors; however, the
effect of child support on second and stepfamilies has largely been
overlooked or ignored. The recent inquiries into child custody and
child support afforded second families only a couple of paragraphs and
many feel it did not adequately consider the implications of the
financial difficulties experienced by these family types.
Many stepfamilies have what is termed as a “maintenance
in-maintenance out” economy. That is a parent (usually the father) may
be paying money to his ex-partner who has repartnered - then the man in
the new stepfamily is paying child support to children not residing
with him but in another family.
This pattern may continue across many families. Sometimes this
equalises, the money matches that coming in and that going out. Many
times it does not. Because child support is based on gross wage and not
the actual cost of raising children, it will depend on the paying
parent’s capacity to earn. However this “in-out” economy is not the
only form.
Some people, with little knowledge of stepfamilies, can be
unsympathetic to financial dilemmas. Consider this scenario: a single
woman meets a man who has commitments to children from a previous
relationship. They meet, fall in love; they are both working and child
support really is not much of a consideration. The woman is earning and
making up for any income deficit. The pair continue until they decide
they want children together. Some might say that they should not.
IF the man cannot afford for his new wife to stay home from work, IF
he cannot support the children from his first relationship, the
children from his second relationship and his partner, then they should
not have children. Yet there is the political viewpoint that society
should encourage more children as the country needs more youth to
counterbalance its ageing population. However, perhaps more
importantly, should society discriminate against a second partner?
OK, so some say she can have children, but must be prepared to go
back to work very soon to afford them. Those new to stepfamilies feel
this is the solution to this difficult problem. Many women in this
situation have reported that this was the best option and have gone on
to have children.
What these new mums were not prepared for was the overwhelming
desire to stay at home when their baby was born. They were not content
with putting their children in childcare, to go back to work and
supplement the income. This was especially so when the mother of the
“first” children is entitled to support that enables them to care for
their children before school age.
The Child Support Agency does have legislation in place that
attempts to deal with some of these concerns. However, it is flawed and
does not fully encompass the extent of the financial problems
experienced by some stepfamilies. The new legislation to be introduced
does not do enough to address these issues either and difficulties will
continue.
This opinion does not mean to denigrate any other family form.
Single parents (usually mothers) do an amazing job raising their
children, sometimes with both financial and with the other parents’
assistance, sometimes totally alone. Non-residential parents (usually
fathers) try to remain involved and active in their children’s lives
and assist financially and parentally.
Stepfamilies are usually the path travelled after these initial
separation periods. Many couples in stepfamilies have wonderful
strengths and visions to keep their families a happy and healthy place
for their children to be raised. As with all families, stepfamilies
need support and understanding.
They have to deal with all the usual parenting problems, sometimes
with uncooperative ex-partners, ex in-laws, and other friends. But many
do so with optimism, love and honesty. It is important to the
mainstream community that agencies and laws consider stepfamilies as
legitimate social family forms and offer the support needed to prevent
further familial breakdown. If you would like to
participate in a totally confidential email, phone or mailed survey
investigating the difficulties and strengths of couples in
stepfamilies, please contact n.gately@ecu.edu.au. |