|
Bitter bust-ups – but what about the kids?
Name-calling, insults, and bad language. A scene from your local schoolyard? Nope, it’s the latest celebrity relationship break-down.
Simone Callahan and Shane Warne; Greg Norman, Laura Andrassy and Chris Evert; Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin; and even Kid Rock are all doing it – trading insults as they attempt to hurt the ones they onced loved.
Now, in echoes of Alec Baldwin’s infamous phone message rant to his daughter, Ireland , Charlie Sheen has taken his nasty split with Denise Richards to a new low.
In an astonishing email, Sheen taunts his former wife about her mother’s battle with cancer, writing: “Go cry to your bald Mom, you f***ing loser”.
In another email, a furious Sheen tells her: “You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and, um, oh yeah, sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go f*** yourself, sad, jobless pig.”
Before you feel too sorry for poor Denise, Sheen has his reasons for his anger at the mother of his daughters Samantha, 3, and Lola, 2. She’s repeatedly fought custody arrangements over their daughters, and among other things, has accused Sheen of looking up child porn on the internet while caring for the girls.
But do we really need to know all about it?
Normally, I’d defend the right of anyone, including celebrities, to go through a relationship break-up in private. But in most of these cases, it is the celebrities themselves who are leaking the dirty little details, and even openly choosing to talk to the media about it.
That gives all of us the right to discuss it, and guarantees the messy splits will be water-cooler fodder for weeks.
But what’s really sad is that by airing their relationship woes so publicly, these couples are more likely to hurt the innocent victims in all of this – their children.
So how does love turn so easily to hate? And why can’t so many couples put their ill-feelings aside for the sake of their children?
In many cases, it is an attempt by an aggrieved party to take revenge for a betrayal and/or heartbreak.
Simone Callahan broke her silence about Shane Warne’s alleged affair in two magazine interviews, while Shane Warne than hit back with his own version of the story.
Greg Norman’s ex-wife Laura Andrassy recently accused his new love Chris Evert of shamelessly wooing her husband, who hit back with her own claims.
More recently, Brisbane Lion Tim Notting’s bitter former partner Nicole Byrne, the mother of his son Baxter, thrilled gossip-mongers with an extraordinary series of tirades against her Ex and his new-love Olympian Jodie Henry. And Kid Rock has accused Pamela Anderson of faking a miscarriage to get attention during their ill-fated four-month marriage.
The high-profile tit-for-tats make racy reading, but these high-profile parents have all made one common mistake – they have spoken out without considering the impact on their families.
The golden rule of divorce is not to argue in front of the children. These couples are going one step further by making their grievances public.
Who knows what affect that will have on their children, especially in terms of what is being said to them by other kids and their friends’ parents? I really sympathise with people who have been hurt and betrayed, and I understand that they want everyone to know how badly their former partner has behaved. But there is a difference between wanting to do it, and actually doing it.
When parents separate, the unselfish thing to do is to put the children’s need for emotional stability ahead of their own need for retribution. Because when you criticise your Ex, even if he or she deserves it, it makes them feel guilty and confused about where their loyalties should lie. They don’t need to know their parents are not perfect at a time when they’re struggling with the changes in their lives.
In the Normans ’ case, the fact that the children are adults - Morgan is 24 and Gregory is 20 – does not mean they’re not hurting too.
No one wants to hear that their parents have behaved badly, or see them arguing with each other. No one is particularly happy to see their adored father or mother finding happiness with someone else. So it’s only understandable that many adult children feel disillusioned with love and marriage, and still need guidance to get through it.
Above all, parents need to focus on their lives as a single, whole person, rather than as part of a couple. The sooner they are able to rise above the bitterness, the sooner they can move on with this new chapter in their lives.
Unlike Nicole Byrne, who conducted television and press interviews about her split with Tim Notting, and blasting his relationship with new love Jodie Henry. Now, she’s gone one step further by revealing almost all (literally) in Ralph magazine. The magazine taunts: ‘Can you do this Jodie Henry?’
As hard as it is to see your former love with someone else, it’s far better to emerge with dignity intact while ensuring your children feel loved and content.
If celebrities followed just a few of these guidelines, these beautiful people might avoid such ugly break-ups.
Mend the rift
- Don’t bitch about your Ex in front of the kids. Talk to a family member, talk to a good friend, or even better, speak to a counsellor – but never to the media or to people who will gossip!
- Meet in private and work out a plan which puts the kids first. That means you don’t fight or argue when they’re around, but sort it out in private later.
- Treat your dealings with your Ex as a business relationship and keep the emotion out of it. We don’t always like the people we work with, but we have to get along with them. Try to be civil to your Ex when you’re together, then vent to a trusted friend later.
- If you’ve both said and done things you regret, apologise, and agree to put it behind you.
- Reassure the kids that both parents love them, even if you are not getting along.
- If you can’t bear to be in the same room as each other, even for pick-offs and drop-offs, ask a sympathetic relative, like a grandparent, to do the honours.
- If you can manage it, occasionally agree to extend pick-ups and drop-offs to a cup of tea or coffee and a chat. That shows your children you’re still committed to putting them first.
- If you can’t say anything nice about your Ex to your kids, don’t say anything at all.
- You don’t have to lie. It’s okay to say “I’m upset with your Mum/Dad, and we’re disagreeing on some things right now.” But make sure you add something like: “But we still love you very much and we’re trying really hard to get along.”
- Even though your relationship is over, you’ll be in each others’ lives for the next 20 years at least … so take action now to make your new situation work. Consider mediation or joint counselling to sort out an amicable agreement.
- Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes made in the past. Look to the future and to helping your children, and yourself, through this the best you can.
Bronwyn Marquardt is the author of Happily Ever Parted – Surviving Separation and Divorce, (New Holland , RRP $19.95). For more details, go to www.dizzydaisy.com
|